Oh Bugger
by Annoying Brat
Summary: Playing host to a parade of movie characters is hard enough. More so when there notoriously bad
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any other Disney based movie franchise. I merely own the merchandise.

Synopsis: Playing host to movie characters that stroll through is harder than it looks. More so when they're not the good guys.

* * *

Beatrice sipped at her coffee contently, eyes closed . Ah...blessed sweet silence. It was rare to find that nowadays, considering.

Considering that for some strange reason her home was now the hub central of any and most likely every fictional character that fancied strolling through.

It wasn't her fault, really. They just stepped out of the linen closet one day, with no explanation and no apology for tracking grime through the house.

They weren't the most...hygienic lot around but it's not like Beatrice could point this out. Speaking of which one such character had strolled over to the liquor cabinet and without so much as a by your leave started to rummage around in it.

On not finding what he was looking for he turned to the teen.

"Is there a reason for the sudden inexplicable absence of alcohol?"

Beatrice looked over her mug at the pirate.

"Yes"

This did not seem to satisfy the man.

"And would you care to explain why?"

"Because"

"You'll have to explain a little more than that" his hand was resting on the hilt of a sword. a very real and very sharp sword. Cutlass to be accurate.

"Because the last thing this place needs is a group of drunken, armed men who have redefined the meaning of 'culture shock'"

To be fair it wasn't because they didn't know the rules. In fact those that had passed through so far had a surprisingly good grasp on modern society. It was just they didn't care.

"Ah" was all the reply she got before he stalked out of the room.

She watched the last of his feathered hat disappear around the corner and sighed, sagging in her chair. That had been one of the better encounters.

There was a blast and the sound of something shattering followed by riotous laughter in the living room. Beatrice groaned and sunk her head into her hands. Undoubtedly another hole had joined the ever growing amount that littered the walls.

_It's okay, it's okay. It's single shot pistols. They'll run out of ammo sooner rather than later._

"Why...why did it have to be the bad guys?"

Her house had now become ground zero for pirates playing the tourist. and not just any pirates no.

"It's not that bad" a voice tried from behind. She turned to face the wooden eye of Ragetti, giving him a faintly annoyed look. His partner, Pintel was curiously absent.

"Oh? really? Thanks to that last shot there is currently no vase left standing, I've had to stop people setting the furniture on fire more than once, anything vaguely shiny has disappeared, you've raided my fathers liquor cabinet AND the fridge, I've been personally shot at and used as a moving target five times and my cat has run off!...the lucky bastard"

"It could be worse" the gangly man pointed out. Beatrice paused, then sagged. He was right. It could be worse.

"So what can I do for you then? or did you just come to see me?"

As far as this lot went, Ragetti wasn't such a bad guy. He was decent enough to avoid threatening her and so far he had yet do anything that was too destructive. Hell he was almost likable, if his fake eye didn't bother you any.

"The Captain would like you to know he'll be conducting business that is to be held until further notice"

"Great...Barbossa is sleeping on my couch now too. Can this day get any better?"

"Actually, he say's he's taking that nice big fancy room on the second floor and your best to avoid it"

"What? that's my parents room! They'll kill me!"

They'd kill her anyway on seeing what had happened to the house.

Beatrice was glad they were away on business right now. She wouldn't know how to begin to explain it all. For the past two days she had been thrown into the mixed role of host/ bar maid and her nerves were all but shot. Most of that time was spent actively trying to stay alive and keep the mob that had invaded happy. Preserving the house was wishful thinking on her part.

"Fine fine...what 'business' is this anyway?"

"None of yours!"

Ah, she wondered when Pintel was going to appear.

"And what are you scowling about?" Beatrice noticed the displeased look on his face.

He didn't answer, she didn't expect one really, just gave her a filthy look and left. Beatrice had a notion of what could of annoyed him.

"And I've hidden the keys!" She called out after him, only to hear swearing in reply. Yup, she was right. After nearly having her mothers entire collection of cars (she was an avid hoarder of all things with motors) disappear from the garage at one point Beatrice had the forethought to hide the ignition keys. Pirates joyriding in the street made her shudder.

She was actually surprised they knew about the automobile since she was sure the engine wasn't discovered in their time period. Just one more mystery to add to the ever growing number. Such as when were they going to leave?

Another blast from the lounge room.

Not soon enough.

Best go see what the damage was then.

It seemed most of the crew had actually left and the remaining few had discovered the X box. And volume control. She winced as the ATAT exploded on screen, sending her partway deaf. More laughter from the two remaining pirates .Two who as far as she knew, were extras in the movie and thus had no name. The one with the smoking beard and some earring fellow.

The earring one reached for the controller, the other held it out of his reach, obviously not thinking his characters death as a sign of his turn being over.

The first promptly took out his pistol and shot the offending hand, snatching up the controller as it fell. He was lucky he hadn't shot the consol to pieces.

Beatrice swallowed thickly and left. Really, no matter how many times she saw it she could not get use to it.

The violence. It was all well and good for them, they were immortal and even if they weren't they deal with death at a regular basis. It had become a form of entertainment to them.

Beatrice could still remember the first time she had seen one suffer a would be fatal wound. Some insult or another that they felt blades could settle. The man had been run right through. Beatrice almost had a heart attack on the spot, not helped when the man just pulled out the sword and handed it back.

She needed a coffee...some Prozac would be nice too.

The teen retreated to the relative safety of the kitchen. It had been unofficially declared a ceasefire zone. Apparently after having been barred from food for ten years the pirates viewed it as semi sacred and took it very seriously.

Though she was confused at that. Obviously they were still immortal, what with surviving most normal 'insta death' wounds, yet they had proceeded to empty her house of anything edible. What was up with that?

She groaned to herself, rubbing at her temples. A headache was beginning to form.

Two days, TWO days she had been catering for the crew and in all that time she had not stopped once. Survival had taken priority over sleep.

Now seemed like as good as time as any. The novelty of her home had worn off and most had gone back through the linen closet, taking with them the silverware and the good china.

She was tired, her nerves were shot and she was getting snarky as a result. Snarky-ness would not help her situation any.

Her room was small and had already been raided. It wouldn't hold the interest of anyone outside and so went the theory, she'd get left alone. The vanity cupboard dragged in front of the door made sure of that, and her hockey stick by the bed made sure the point was clear should any of them be persistent.

Lucky for her none were persistent. If any were curious she never would of known in her comatose state. She slept through most of the day and part way into the night before her body woke her with the message she really needed to go.

Still half asleep she managed to drag the cupboard partway, slip through the small gap it provided and staggered her way down the hall.

All was quiet.

She nearly tripped over the sleeping form of someone who had decided the banister was as good of a place to sleep as any. It was probably a lot nicer than some of the other places they had passed out.

She made sure to avoid them on the way back, and sidestepped right into someone.

"oof!"  
She staggered back as an arm steadied her, less she take a header down the stairs. That would of been unpleasant.

"Thanks I..." She saw the hand. She looked up, eyes widening. She saw the rest of him and she really hated the architect right then for placing the window where it was.

* * *

"what's up with her?"

Pintel gestured to where Beatrice was whimpering, rocking back and forward under the kitchen table.

"Bad illumination on the stairway" Ragetti offered.

"Ah...and the sticks?"

She was holding onto a bundle of sticks tightly shaped into a makeshift cross.

"Apparently there were no religious items to be had"

"Ah..."

There was a pause.

"She does know crosses don't work on us right?"

"Since it was one of us that gave it to her, yea"

"Wait...why did someone give it to her in the first place"

"Dunno..." Ragetti shrugged. "Some sort of comfort thing"

"Since when do we care?"

"Oh we don't. just the gibbering was starting to get on peoples nerves"

"Ah"

a beat

"we found where she hid the stash. Care for a drink?"

"Sure"

_**

* * *

(Whoops, my bad. Thanks sunshine, i've reloaded the chapter with the correct names. Hopefully. Cheers for spotting it)**_

_**Back to absurdisim humour. I always found the idea of the characters using our world as a holday hot spot to be amusing, and found it strange how the baddies are always noticably absent. I mean, if the good guys can world hop i don't see why the villans can't. **_

_**Was debating serious, but then figured, hey its an absurd situation, it doesn't have to make sense . It just has to be entertaining.**_


	2. Chapter 2

"What?"

The shocked cry echoed loudly through the house. Beatrice, or Bee as she was known when not called 'hey you', stared at the pirate captain in disbelief.

"You can't be serious"

"I assure you I am"

"But...nyyagh...can't you just watch a DVD or something?"

"Now why would I want to do that?"

Bee's mouth was moving slightly, trying to get the words out. She wasn't going to win this argument, she knew that, but she had to protest to it.

This pirate, this madman, was planning to go to the Cinema. To see the new release of 'dead man's chest' of course.

"But...there are...crowds, and people, and cops out there" she tried to dissuade him. It was all very true too. Barbossa and society? it was like letting a rabid wolf loose in a bedding store. They'd be cleaning the mess up for weeks.

" yes and?"

And there were cops! It wasn't that she cared what happened to the man, rather what would happen if anyone tried to arrest him. He was a pirate, and undead, but mainly a pirate which was the problem.

"Wait a sec, how do you even know about the movie?"

She had been careful not to mention any such thing around them, not trusting their criticism if they saw it. They tended to make their opinions known in the bluntest way possible.

"I believe you called it TV"

Right right...she had shown him how it worked in hopes it would keep him occupied. It had, for a bit.

"Your hardly even in that movie, why would you want to go see it?"

"Call it a sudden fancy"

Bee would bet her X box he heard about jack getting eaten by the kraken.

"Fine then, just don't...kill anyone please. An investigation would be really bad"

Barbossa didn't look phased by the idea. Police investigations weren't the concern of him. He waited, obviously expecting something.

"Umm...is there something else?"

"You didn't think I'd actually be here to ask for permission did you?"

Not really, Barbossa didn't ask for anything.

"Then what are you standing there..."

A sudden dawning.

"Oh no, no no no"

* * *

Barbossa tapped his boot against the floor, impatient for the ride to end. He had been insistent that Beatrice would accompany him as both a guide and mediator between whoever they encountered. Not that he needed one, it was easy enough to get what one wanted when you carried around live ammunition, but things did go so much faster if you had someone who knew the lingo. Such as this 'bus' for example. They had expected him to pay for the ride. For the sake of keeping incognito he had even complied (it was easy enough to retrieve the money once they had reached their destination) but the driver had seemed terribly upset when he did. Things may of gotten a bit bloody if Beatrice hadn't stepped in. 

Beatrice's face still hadn't stopped flushing from embarrassment. He had tried paying in coins. Large silver ones. Doubloons she supposed they were called. She had sorted it all out thanks to the habit of keeping her multi-rider on her at all times but the driver had been giving them weird looks ever since.

Along with the rest of the passengers. Barbossa did tend to get that reaction.

Bee slouched lower in her seat, seriously hoping no one she knew would see her with this 'strange man'.

Strange? hah, deranged was more like it.

Gods, what had she done to deserve this?

He hadn't even tried to fit in. Of course he wouldn't. Barbossa bowed to nobody let alone the dress standards of the 21st century.

Their stop couldn't of come soon enough for either of them.

The pirate's main interest seemed to be looking at everything with fascination. All he needed was a camera in hand and a Hawaiian shirt.

Bee nearly walked into a light pole at the image.

"Is that it?" he gestured to a building across the street.

"No, that's a museum. The place is alarmed just so you know, over there is the cinema"

She pointed to the large square building that seemed rather plain.

He was already headed there before Bee had finished, making her hurry to catch up. He strode, yes that was the only way she could describe it. Strode forward. That was he walked, with confidence as if he belonged there implicitly. Bee could bet that he had made many an entrance, though with this one he seemed to have hit some trouble. To be more precise the door's. He hadn't seen them.

Bee tried to keep a strait face as she reached around and pulled them open, not daring to look at him.

This trip may not be so bad after all.

Until she remembered something.

"Ah crap. My wallets at home"

This did not seem to upset the Captain. It barely made him look up from his crowd watching.

"My money's with my wallet, which happens to be at home" she tried. Still nothing.

"We can't get in without a ticket"

Nada

"Without money we can't purchase a ticke...your just ignoring me now aren't you?"

"Yes" was the matter of fact reply, before he seized her arm none too gently and all but dragged her.

Bee would of protested but she was trying not to stumble over herself.

The man that checked the tickets had taken a much needed break while the crowd had slackened, and Barbossa had seized the chance. He was through before anyone had realized.

"You just...you can't do that!"

"Why cant I ?"

"Well it's...i mean...theft is not..." She stopped, realizing any argument she made would fall flat when used on someone who habitually disregarded the law.

"Now I understand how this works up to a certain point, how is it that the correct room is given?"

"It's on the ticket" She mumbled sullenly. Rule breaking was new to her, let alone law breaking.

"Were going get caught you know, they're going to catch us and throw us behind bars, strip searched and finger printed and oh gods, I'm going to get a criminal record, my future is over..."

"Then by all means continue your wailing. I'm sure they won't notice it"

Beatrice took the hint. She gestured quietly to one of the cinemas and headed for it. Only to have him jerk her back.

"How do you know that's the one?"

"Sign at the top" she hissed back, massaging her shoulder. That had _hurt _damnit.

Her pain of no major concern he merely took note of the sign and, seemingly satisfied by something, headed into the theater. Of course he had to always be first, oh Barbossa never followed the lead of anyone. Not even when displaced in an entirely different century. Arrogant bastard.

Muttering she trailed after. Bee thought briefly of sitting far away from him just to be spiteful. The pirate himself didn't seem to care one way or another but gave a look which plainly stated that any disappearance on her part would not be appreciated.

The theater was nearly empty, the movie having been out a while, which was an unexpected bonus. Any that did show up merely took the strange man in the back row as an enthusiast of the movie. Some even admired the authenticity of his costume.

Beatrice herself settled down in the chair and waited for the theater to darken. She hadn't seen the movie yet and despite her misgivings about being there she was looking forward to it. After all, it was apparently a damn good movie.

* * *

It was a good movie. The experience had even been pleasant. The only disruption came when Jack had encountered more kraken spit than was good for him, which someone had found infinitely amusing. 

Barbossa of course. He _would _find that funny...

The Captain had remained still the entire movie and refused to give any merit to the scenarios Bee's mind had come up with. Something that was relieving to find out.

The only trouble that came was outside the theater.

Both wanted to return to the safety that was her (now somewhat mangled) home. Barbossa seemed to have had enough culture for the day and Beatrice just wanted the experience to be over.

Unfortunately the bus was late.

More unfortunately some men early in the midst of some celebration or other were heading towards them. They were drunk.

From the scarves and shirts they wore Beatrice could guess they were sports fans. One had even painted his face. He had been thusly dubbed brave heart and seemed to take interest in the two waiting for the bus. More precisely the feathered hat.

He gestured to it and said something, his other pal's finding it funny.

Barbossa had noticed this and his hand moved. Just a little, to rest on a wooden handle mostly obscured by his clothes.

_Ah feck!_

Bee could guess what it was. She could also hazard a guess as to how many years he'd get for carrying concealment.

Brave heart was now trying to engage them in conversation.

"I like your hat mate"

"Thank ye"

"Don't suppose you'll let me wear it?"

"Don't suppose I will"

"Aww come on there mate" he tried to wheedle. He finally took stock of the rest of him and gestured to his clothing.

"What kind of get up is that?"

Beatrice promptly butted in.

"He's a costume designer for the theater. Stage prop...he's field testing it to make sure it's all...you know...workable. Seams in the right places, not tight anywhere. Wont unexpectedly split"

"Oh! one of those guys! a ponce" Brave heart nodded with sage like wisdom as only a drunkard can.

"What was that?" Barbossa demanded. The word was unfamiliar to him but he had gotten the gist of it.

"Nothing to be ashamed of mate. One of me best friends is like that. OI, Skippy!"

He called over his shoulder to where his friend, a large muscular bear of a man waved back. It was odd how someone who looked like a pro wrestler could pull off such a feminine gesture.

"errr..no he's not like that..i mean I don't think he's.."

"Aww...you have a cute daughter there" Brave heart gushed ruffling her hair in what he supposed was a friendly gesture.

"NO! god no!" She shuddered at the thought.

"He's my...uncle. Visiting from out of town" she clarified. Her eyes darted to Barbossa with a 'help me out here' look. Barbossa grinned, finding it all too amusing to stop now.

She was on her own here

"Oh really?" Skippy had joined the conversation "From out of town and you work in the arts?"

Beatrice got a sudden idea and flashed Barbossa a very evil smirk. There would be hell to pay later but for now...

"As a matter of fact, yes. He's just been through a bad breakup and only now getting back on the scene. Thought he'd start afresh here"

"Oh so your available then?" Skippy sounded hopeful.

"What?" Barbossa was alarmed by this new twist in the conversation.

"Yes, he's a bit shy about it though. Still in denial"

"Oh you poor thing.."

* * *

The grin still hadn't left her face when they arrived home later. Barbossa, in turn, did not look that pleased. He slammed the front door with enough force to cause the windows to shake. The ear-ringed pirate hit pause and looked up, this was going to be interesting. 

"I suppose your pleased with yourself after pulling that little stunt" Barbossa seethed

"Very" Beatrice confessed. Despite her joyful attitude she was sure to keep the kitchen table between them.

She was smug but she wasn't stupid.

He placed both hands on the table and leaned forward slightly. There was no slamming, no outward anger, and it was this that made it the more sinister. Beatrice found herself leaning back ever so slightly.

"I must confess, I didn't expect ye to have it in ye to try that. A less charitable man would take offence" His teeth were not a pleasant site to behold.

"I'll be giving ye one warning only. Next time ye get the chance to do something, don't"

and with that he retreated back to the room he had taken as his own.

The ear-ringed pirate looked between his disappearing Captain then to his host.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing" Bee replied, not looking too frazzled by the encounter. He wasn't really upset, not over that little 'stunt' of hers. If anything Beatrice would say he had found the scenario amusing. After all, he hadn't thrown away Skippy's number.

* * *

**_Heh, i actually had a conversation very similar to this once when outside a football stadium. Waiting for a ride. Drunks are always amusingly fun to watch._**

**_Now Barbossa in general is a hard man to pin down, and i've tried to remain faithful. I'd liken the attitude of the pirates of a three point scale, holding onto it different characters to illustrate the sort of point i'd like to make._**

**_On one end there's Jack Sparrow. He's a pirate, untrustworthy, thieving, but otherwise a good man. He likes to talk his way out rather than fight and will avoid killing when possible. He is selfish and puts himself first before others but he will try to get the others out of trouble once heput them there if possible.In DnD terms i'd say he's alignment is Chaotic Neutral_**

**_Davy Jones is on the other end of the scale. He's a pirate so there's the whole thieving piraty villainous way to him, but (and this is important to note) he is not a good man. He is in fact a heartless bastard. Quite literally. He will quite happily kill, even go out of his way to do such. Destroying an entire ship of men to get one person_****_(As shown when the Kraken takes out the ship with jacks hat on it. his hat only!) In DnD terms his alignment would be Chaotic Evil_**

**_Barbossa i'd pit somewhere in the middle between those two. He'll negotiate when it is useful and he is most certainly a selfish person out to serve himself. He is also quite happy to kill when it's needed and will not care at all for the lives taken. Heartless he is not, bastard he most definitely is. He'd keep his word but he'll twist it to serve his purpose. He's alignment i would guess to be Lawful evil._**

**_I would like to ask for some small leeway, that being the death of my character would mean the death of the story, so inherentlythere may be OOC moments. I do so in the full sense of the word fun and to amuse. Additionally peoples opinions of the characters vary, so what one may think to be acceptable another will not. _**

**_As a footnote i'd like to say this is just a story aiming to get a laugh from the absurd situations found in it. Also i like to pretend to have deep and meaningful thoughts which would explain these author notes at the bottom of the chapters. They amuse me to write and ask you bare with them as an eccentric habit of this writer. _**


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